Last week, I wrote about how hidden patterns are often much easier to spot in other people than they are in ourselves.
For years, I couldn’t see my own, but eventually, I did.
I recognised that what I’d previously called being helpful, considerate and supportive looked suspiciously like People Pleasing.
Which was slightly annoying because I’d spent years convincing myself it wasn’t.
I worried about letting people down, I found it difficult to say no and I spent far too much time thinking about what other people might think of me.
And honestly, I thought recognising the pattern would be the breakthrough. As it turns out, it was only the beginning.
Surely Awareness Should Fix It?
I remember thinking: “Well, now I know what the problem is.”
- I knew I was saying yes too often.
- I knew I was putting other people’s needs ahead of my own.
- I knew I was seeking approval.
- I knew I was worrying too much about upsetting people.
So surely all I had to do was stop?
Except that’s not what happened.
- I still found myself saying yes when I wanted to say no.
- I still found myself worrying about whether I’d upset somebody.
- I still found myself overcommitting.
- I still found myself putting pressure on myself to be everything to everyone.
Which led me to a slightly frustrating question: If I could see the pattern, why was I still doing it?
And perhaps more importantly, why did doing something different still feel so uncomfortable?
The Challenge Isn’t Awareness
One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that awareness and change are not the same thing.
Recognising a pattern explains what you’re doing, but it doesn’t necessarily explain why you’re still doing it.
Take People Pleasing:
- I knew I should say no more often.
- I knew I needed better boundaries.
- I knew I couldn’t keep putting everybody else’s needs ahead of my own.
But knowing that didn’t suddenly make saying no feel comfortable. In fact, it was the opposite.
- Disappointing somebody still felt uncomfortable.
- Risking somebody being upset with me still felt uncomfortable.
- Putting my own needs first still felt uncomfortable.
The challenge wasn’t awareness, the challenge was doing something different.
Trying To Write With The Wrong Hand
The best way I can describe it is this. Imagine trying to write with your non-dominant hand.
You know exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, you understand the mechanics and you know how writing works. And yet it feels awkward, unnatural and uncomfortable.
You can do it (albeit awkwardly and messily), but it just doesn’t feel right.
That’s often what changing a long-standing pattern feels like.
- I knew I should say no, yet saying yes still felt easier.
- I knew I should trust myself, yet putting other people’s needs first still felt more natural.
- I knew I didn’t need everybody’s approval, yet seeking it still felt strangely comfortable.
Not because it was helping me, but because it was familiar. And familiarity has a remarkable ability to disguise itself as safety.
It’s Not Just People Pleasing
The same thing happens with all four hidden patterns.
- The People Pleaser knows they need boundaries.
- The Overthinker knows they need to make a decision.
- The Avoider knows they need to have the conversation.
- The Imposter knows they’re probably more capable than they think.
Yet awareness alone doesn’t magically change the behaviour. If it did:
- nobody would overthink.
- nobody would procrastinate.
- nobody would struggle with confidence.
- nobody would repeat the same habits year after year.
Most people already know what they should do. The challenge is doing it.
The Question That Changed Everything
Eventually, I realised something important:
The pattern itself wasn’t really the mystery, the mystery was why I found it so difficult to change.
- Why did disappointing somebody feel so uncomfortable?
- Why did saying no feel so uncomfortable?
- Why did backing myself feel so uncomfortable?
- Why did trusting my own judgement feel so uncomfortable?
The more I reflected on those questions, the more I began to realise something interesting – the pattern wasn’t the problem. The pattern was a clue.
A clue that something else was driving it. Something I didn’t yet fully understand.
Breakthrough Insight
Recognising a hidden pattern explains what you’re doing, but changing it requires understanding what makes the pattern feel safer than the alternative.
Awareness is important and is often the first breakthrough, but recognising a pattern and changing a pattern are two very different things.
Because the challenge isn’t usually knowing what to do, the challenge is doing it when the alternative feels uncomfortable.
What Does This Have To Do With Confidence?
Most people don’t think of this as a confidence issue.
But if you’re constantly putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, holding back your opinions, avoiding difficult conversations or doubting yourself, confidence is often part of the story.
Not confidence in the sense of standing on a stage or speaking loudly.
- Confidence in your ability to tolerate discomfort.
- Confidence in your ability to disappoint somebody.
- Confidence in your ability to risk getting something wrong.
- Confidence in your ability to survive other people’s opinions.
That’s a very different kind of confidence, and it’s one of the reasons I created my free Confidence Kickstart Pack.
Because sometimes the first step isn’t changing the pattern, it’s building enough confidence to experiment with a different response when the pattern shows up.
Confidence doesn’t usually appear first.
It often develops when we repeatedly prove to ourselves that we can handle the discomfort we’ve been avoiding.
Ready To Build More Confidence At Work?
If you’d like practical tools to help you manage self-doubt, overthinking, people pleasing and other confidence-draining behaviours, download my free Confidence Kickstart Pack.
Inside you’ll find simple exercises, reflections and strategies designed to help you build confidence from the inside out.
You Might Also Find These Helpful
- Why Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is
- Imposter Syndrome at Work: Why You Feel Like a Fraud (Even When You’re Doing Well)
- Why People Pleasing Is Not About Being Nice
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