Last week, a 28-year-old came to one of my Confidence Breakthrough face-to-face courses and very early on I asked her why she had booked onto the course.
She said she wanted a promotion and had been told by her manager that she needed to boost her confidence to be eligible for one.
She had been working at the same company since graduating, where she had joined as a marketing assistant. She told me she was immensely frustrated because a colleague – who was only 24 and had a lot less experience than her – had recently been promoted above her.
As she was telling me this, she was sitting in a hoodie and jeans (which, to be clear, was perfectly acceptable attire for the course), avoiding eye contact, speaking very quietly, and generally looking fairly miserable and slightly annoyed with the world.
(For a brief moment I did wonder if she looked miserable because the course was boring, but the other nine people in the room were fully engaged, so I don’t think that was the issue.)
Anyway, long story short, it was fairly obvious why she hadn’t been promoted: she wanted to be seen as someone ready for a promotion, but she was still behaving like someone waiting to be chosen.
And this is something I see all the time.
Many People Update Their Skills, But Not Their Identity
Many people update their skills and their CV over time, but they don’t update their identity.
- They gain experience.
- They gain knowledge.
- They become more capable.
- They take on more responsibility.
- They become the person other people go to for answers.
But internally, they still see themselves as the graduate, the assistant, the junior, the new person, the one who shouldn’t speak first, the one who shouldn’t challenge, the one who waits to be told what to do.
So there is a gap between who they are now and who they still believe themselves to be and that gap often quietly holds people back in their careers.
When Your Identity Doesn’t Catch Up With Your Experience
One of the biggest things that holds people back at work is what I call identity lag.
This is when your experience, skills and capability have moved on, but your identity – how you see yourself and how you behave – is still based on who you used to be.
- You might no longer be the junior.
- You might no longer be the assistant.
- You might no longer be the new person.
- You might now be the experienced one, the knowledgeable one, the reliable one, the person people depend on.
But if you still look and behave like the junior, people will still see you as the junior.
And this is where many careers get stuck.
Because organisations don’t promote people based on how long they’ve been there or how capable they are – they promote people based on how they behave, how they communicate, how they make decisions, and how they show up.
So if your identity hasn’t caught up with who you have become, your behaviour won’t have either and if your behaviour hasn’t changed, people’s perception of you won’t change either.
Promotions Are Identity Shifts
One of the biggest misunderstandings about promotions is that people think promotions are a reward for working hard and doing a good job, but promotions are usually decisions about the future, not rewards for the past.
When someone is promoted, they are not just doing the same job with more money and a better title, they are expected to think differently, behave differently, make decisions, influence others, take responsibility, and represent the team or organisation in a different way.
In other words, a promotion is not just a change in role, it is a change in identity.
And this is where many people get stuck. They want the promotion first, and then they plan to start behaving like someone more senior, but in reality, it usually works the other way round.
People are promoted after they are already behaving like someone at the next level.
The Second Identity Shift – Other People’s Perception
But there is another side to this as well. Even when your identity does start to change, there is a second identity shift that also needs to happen – other people’s perception of your identity.
Careers are not just shaped by how you see yourself, they are shaped by how other people see you.
Other people might still see you as the graduate who joined ten years ago, the assistant, the quiet one, the helpful one, the organiser, the one who supports rather than leads. And their perception can be difficult to shift, which is often why people move organisations. When they interview elsewhere, they are seen based on their current skills, qualifications and experience rather than who they used to be.
So career progression often requires two identity shifts:
- First, your identity of yourself must change.
- Second, other people’s perception of your identity must also change.
Both of those things are driven by behaviour.
People Don’t See Your Potential – They See Your Behaviour
People decide who you are at work based on what they see you do. They notice how you communicate, whether you speak up, whether you challenge ideas, whether you take ownership, whether you make decisions, whether you set boundaries, whether you avoid difficult conversations, whether you look comfortable with responsibility, and how you behave under pressure.
They also notice how you present yourself and how you interact with your peers and senior staff.
In other words, people don’t see your potential, they see your behaviour and your behaviour is shaped by how confident, resilient and courageous you feel on the inside.
Identity Lag and Imposter Syndrome
This idea of identity lag is also very closely linked to imposter syndrome.
Many people assume imposter syndrome means they’re not good enough, but very often, imposter syndrome happens when your experience, responsibility and capability have grown, but your identity hasn’t caught up yet.
Externally, you might now be the manager, the specialist, the experienced one, the person responsible, the person making decisions, but internally, you still feel like the graduate, the assistant, the junior, the one who might get found out.
So you feel like an imposter, not because you are one, but because your identity is still based on who you used to be, not who you are now.
Until your identity catches up with your experience, you will often behave more cautiously than your capability requires – and that behaviour then affects how you feel about yourself and how other people see you as well.
Breakthrough Insight
Many people think they don’t get promoted because they’re not good enough, because their organisation is unfair, or because of office politics, but more often than not, the real reason is identity.
People update their skills and their CV over time, but they don’t update their identity. This means they are still behaving like who they used to be, and so other people still see them as who they used to be.
Career progression often happens when two things change:
- You update your identity so it reflects who you are now and what you’re capable of.
- And your behaviour changes – and how you show up – so that other people start to see you differently too.
When identity changes and behaviour changes, perception changes – and when perception changes, opportunities often change too.
The Goal Is Not To Become Someone Different
If you feel stuck in your career, it’s very easy to assume the problem is your performance, your organisation, your manager, or office politics.
Sometimes those things are true, but very often, the thing that is really keeping people stuck is not capability, but the patterns that are shaping how they think, react and behave at work – patterns that affect identity, confidence, visibility, assertiveness and how other people experience them.
When people start to understand and change those patterns, something very interesting happens. They don’t just feel more confident on the inside, they start behaving more confidently on the outside. They speak up more, take more ownership, make decisions more confidently, set boundaries, handle difficult conversations, and become more comfortable with responsibility and visibility.
And when behaviour changes, perception changes – and when perception changes, opportunities often change too.
That is why careers don’t usually change when people become more capable, they change when people update their identity and start to think differently, behave differently, and are seen differently.
And that is exactly what The Confidence Breakthrough is designed to help people do – understand the patterns shaping how they think, react and behave at work, so they can change those patterns, become more confident and resilient on the inside, update their identity so it reflects who they are now (not who they used to be), and make sure that this is visible in how they communicate, behave and show up at work.
The goal is not to become someone different, the goal is to remove what is stopping you from being the most confident, resilient and courageous version of yourself – and then make sure the world can see it.
You Might Also Find These Helpful
If you found this article helpful, you might also like:
- How You Might Be Sabotaging Your Own Promotion
- Imposter Syndrome at Work: Why You Feel Like a Fraud (Even When You’re Doing Well)
- When Your Friend Becomes Your Manager: Why Feedback Suddenly Feels Personal
If this article resonates with you, you might find The Confidence Breakthrough helpful.
It’s designed to help you understand the patterns shaping how you think, react and behave at work – so you can change those patterns, build real confidence, and show up at work in a way that reflects who you really are and what you’re capable of.
You can explore the full programme here: