What Happens When You Stop Doubting Yourself?
If you’re someone who doubts yourself or doesn’t like yourself very much, this article is for you.
Because I know what it’s like to live with those thoughts and feelings every day.
That was me.
For much of my life, I didn’t think I was a very nice person and, honestly, living with that kind of internal discomfort was like having a big black cloud following me around everywhere.
- It was there when I woke up in the morning.
- It was there when I made a mistake.
- It was there when somebody criticised me.
- It was there when a relationship didn’t work out.
- It was there whenever life gave me another piece of evidence that seemed to confirm what I already believed about myself.
That there was something wrong with me.
The strange thing is that if you’d met me in my twenties, there’s a very good chance you wouldn’t have guessed any of this.
You would have met someone who appeared supremely confident on the outside (Super Confident Jo!) and was successful in her career. I had lots of friends, went out partying most nights and generally lived a work-hard, play-hard existence in London.
But that was what people saw from the outside.
What was going on inside was a very different story.
I was spending an alarming amount of time worrying and beating myself up. I seemed to have an endless ability to turn life’s everyday events into evidence that proved I wasn’t a nice person:
- If somebody complimented me, I dismissed it.
- If somebody criticised me, I remembered it for weeks.
- If I helped someone, it was further evidence that people only liked me because I put their needs before my own.
- If somebody helped me, it was evidence that I wasn’t capable enough to cope by myself.
- When I hit my targets month after month, I didn’t feel successful. I was simply waiting for the inevitable day somebody discovered it had all been a fluke.
Because these patterns had been with me for so long, I assumed they were simply part of who I was.
In my mind, they weren’t things I did – they were who I believed I was.
While the distinction may sound subtle, it turns out to be rather important.
The Things I Thought I’d Be Doing Forever
One of the reasons I’ve been writing so much about Hidden Patterns recently is because I recognise many of them in my younger self.
- The People Pleaser.
- The Imposter.
- The Overthinker.
- The Avoider.
I was all of them and not just a little bit either. They consumed me.
Emotional meltdowns were a fairly regular occurrence, particularly after I’d had a bit too much to drink, which was a fairly regular occurrence too.
If you’ve read my first book, Blokes, Beers & Burritos, you’ll know that alcohol (and food) became one of the ways I coped with the overwhelming feelings I was carrying around.
But that’s a story for another time. What’s important to highlight here is that, at the time, I couldn’t see any of this. All I knew was that life felt much harder than it seemed to be for everyone else.
I assumed this was simply who I was.
The Things I Rarely Do Now
When I look at my life today, my younger self would not recognise me.
- I can say no and I can honestly say I have zero hesitation in doing so.
- I now have difficult conversations without spending three days mentally rehearsing them beforehand. I didn’t say I liked having them – of course not – but I no longer spend weeks trying to avoid them. I just have them.
- I make decisions without needing complete certainty. And if I make the wrong decision, I learn from it, log it in my “don’t do that again” pile and move on.
- I am okay receiving criticism. Again, I might not necessarily like it, but it no longer makes me question my entire existence. Instead, I allow myself time to absorb what’s been said and work out whether there’s something useful for me to learn from it.
- I can launch a new programme, write another book, share an opinion online or try something that may not work without requiring universal approval from everybody who has ever met me.
Although these changes are immense, the real shift wasn’t actually any of these behavioural changes.
It was how I felt about myself on the inside – I finally liked myself (warts and all). And that has a huge impact on daily life because, in general, I feel happy. Of course, that doesn’t mean everything is perfect – life still happens. People still get ill, relationships still have challenges and the news is still capable of making us question humanity before we’ve even finished our morning coffee.
But underneath all of that, there is a steadiness that wasn’t there before.
A feeling that I’m okay.
That I’m a nice, likeable person.
Looking back, it’s difficult to explain just how different that feels.
What Enabled Me To Change?
So what enabled me to change? The truth is: I learnt that the patterns – and the programmes driving them – had fooled me into believing they were who I was. Once I began to understand the programmes, everything started to make more sense. And then I learnt how to change them, and that’s when lasting change became possible.
What About You?
Perhaps some of what I’ve described feels familiar:
- Maybe you spend more time worrying than you’d like.
- Maybe you over-analyse decisions.
- Maybe you find yourself needing reassurance from other people.
- Maybe you talk yourself out of opportunities because you’re worried about getting things wrong.
Or perhaps, like me, you’ve spent years carrying around a version of yourself that other people simply don’t see.
If so, I want you to know something: many of the things we believe are permanent simply aren’t. And if they could change for me, they can change for you too.
Breakthrough Insight
Many people spend years trying to become more confident, but what if confidence isn’t the starting point but the outcome?
What if confidence, courage and resilience are actually the natural by-products of understanding and changing the patterns that have quietly been running your life for years?
Because when patterns – and their underlying programmes – change, life often changes too.
Ready To Explore Further?
Over the last few months, I’ve been helping people recognise their Hidden Patterns.
- The People Pleaser.
- The Imposter.
- The Overthinker.
- The Avoider.
For many people, recognition is a breakthrough in itself.
But recognising a pattern and changing it are not the same thing.
For years, I could see – and feel – the effects of my patterns, but I didn’t understand what was creating them.
That understanding eventually became the foundation for everything I now teach through The Confidence Breakthrough™.
Over the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing more about what helped me stop doubting myself and start trusting myself, why understanding the programmes underneath our patterns changes everything and why I created The Confidence Breakthrough™ in the first place.
For the first time, I’m also opening The Confidence Breakthrough™ Live programme to individuals who want to explore these ideas for themselves and create the kind of changes I’ve described in this article.
If you’d like to find out more, you can register your interest here and I’ll keep you updated as new details are released.
You Might Also Find These Helpful
- Why Do We Become People Pleasers, Imposters, Overthinkers and Avoiders
- Why People Pleasing Is Not About Being Nice
- Imposter Syndrome at Work: Why You Feel Like a Fraud (Even When You’re Doing Well)
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If you’ve enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy Jo’s Weekly Breakthrough — my weekly newsletter exploring the hidden patterns shaping how we think, react and behave at work.
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