Recently, I was asked to help with a team that supposedly needed communication skills training.
“What’s happening?” I asked. The response was interesting.
“I can’t quite explain it, but meetings feel tense, decisions take forever and conversations seem to happen after meetings rather than during them.
What’s worse is that I’m getting complaints from everyone about someone in the team: one person thinks someone doesn’t speak up enough, another thinks somebody else is too controlling, one team member feels ignored and another feels overwhelmed.
Basically, everyone seems convinced somebody else is causing the problem.”
I could completely understand why they thought it was a communication issue – after all – it looked like one. But the more I listened, the more I became convinced something else was happening.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many workplace problems aren’t caused by one person’s behaviour. They emerge from the interaction between the patterns people bring into the room.
The challenge is that most people don’t know those patterns exist so when problems arise, our instinct is often to blame other people.
We Tend To Look For The Person Causing The Problem
When something goes wrong at work, our natural instinct is to identify the person responsible.
- Who isn’t communicating?
- Who isn’t taking ownership?
- Who is causing the conflict?
- Who is holding things up?
But what if the problem isn’t one person? What if the problem sits in the space between people?
Because hidden patterns rarely operate in isolation.
The moment multiple people enter a meeting, project or team, their patterns begin interacting with each other. And those interactions can create outcomes nobody intended.
If you read last week’s article, you’ll remember I talked about four common hidden patterns: the People Pleaser, the Overthinker, the Imposter and the Avoider. (Why Workplace Problems Often Have Nothing To Do With The Work.)
Let’s look at what happens when those patterns collide.
When A People Pleaser Meets An Overthinker
Imagine a People Pleaser working with an Overthinker.
Sandip is an Overthinker. He likes to think things through carefully and consider every possible risk before making a decision. His intention is to avoid mistakes, but he often struggles to move forward until he feels confident he’s explored every angle.
Emma is a People Pleaser. She wants people to feel heard and valued. She dislikes conflict and finds it difficult to challenge people directly, particularly if she thinks it might upset someone or make them feel criticised.
The two are working together on a proposal for a major client. The deadline is approaching.
Sandip is still making changes. Every time he reviews the proposal, he spots something else that could be improved.
Emma can see they are running out of time. She believes the proposal is already strong enough to submit, but she also knows how much work Sandip has put into it. She doesn’t want him to feel criticised.
So instead of saying: “Sandip, I think we’re done. We need to submit this today.”
She says: “Do you think we’re nearly there?”
Sandip hears encouragement to keep refining.
Emma thinks she’s gently signalling urgency.
Neither realises they’re having two completely different conversations.
The proposal is submitted late, the client awards the work to a competitor and the business loses a significant opportunity.
Afterwards, Emma is frustrated – in her mind, Sandip’s overthinking cost them the contract.
Sandip is equally frustrated – in his mind, Emma never clearly told him there was a problem.
Their working relationship begins to deteriorate: Emma starts avoiding projects with Sandip because she finds him exhausting. Sandip starts viewing Emma as passive-aggressive because she never says what she really thinks until it’s too late.
Both feel misunderstood. Both believe the problem sits with the other person.
Underneath, two hidden patterns have combined to create an outcome neither person intended.
When An Imposter Meets An Avoider
Now imagine an Imposter working with an Avoider.
Jill suffers from Imposter Syndrome. She worries about being found out – that she’ll be exposed as a fraud if she says or does the wrong thing. She rarely asserts herself unless she’s 100% certain she’s right.
Ivan, meanwhile, is an Avoider. He dislikes discomfort, conflict and difficult situations. If something feels awkward, frustrating or emotionally charged, his instinct is often to leave it alone and hope it resolves itself.
One afternoon, Jill spots what she believes may be a problem with a client’s account.
She’s concerned, but she’s not completely certain she’s right. Rather than raising it directly, she sends Ivan an email.
“I think this might be incorrect, but I’m not sure. Could you take a look?”
Ivan reads the email and feels a flicker of irritation.
Why is she asking me? She’s perfectly capable of dealing with this herself. She always does this.
Not wanting the frustration of another conversation about it, he leaves the email unanswered and moves on to something else.
Jill notices he hasn’t replied so her Imposter immediately starts filling in the gaps.
- Maybe I’ve misunderstood.
- Maybe I’m wrong.
- Maybe Ivan knows something I don’t.
- Maybe I shouldn’t have raised it in the first place.
So she lets it go.
A few weeks later, it becomes clear that Jill’s original concern was correct.
What could have been fixed quickly has now become a significant problem.
Jill is frustrated. She blames herself for not pushing harder and she blames Ivan for ignoring her email.
“If only he’d replied.”
Ivan is frustrated too. He feels unfairly blamed for something he never believed was his responsibility in the first place.
“Why didn’t she just deal with it herself?”
From the outside, it can look like poor communication.
Underneath, two hidden patterns have combined to create an outcome neither person intended.
Neither Jill nor Ivan realised they were reacting to their own hidden patterns. Each believed they were responding to the other person’s behaviour. In reality, they were responding to the meaning they had attached to that behaviour.
Now Imagine An Entire Team
Of course, teams aren’t made up of just two people, they’re made up of dozens of people.
Each person brings their own experiences, assumptions, fears, strengths and hidden patterns into every interaction.
- Some patterns complement each other.
- Some patterns amplify each other.
- Some patterns trigger each other.
And this is just during normal day-to-day work.
- Add a difficult client.
- Add organisational change.
- Add budget cuts.
- Add increasing workload.
- Add fewer resources.
Suddenly those hidden patterns are no longer operating quietly in the background – they become amplified.
What was previously manageable starts to boil over because pressure doesn’t create hidden patterns.
It exposes them.
And What Happens When The Leader Has A Hidden Pattern?
Hidden patterns don’t disappear when somebody becomes a manager or leader – in many cases – leadership amplifies them.
- A People Pleasing leader may avoid difficult conversations.
- An Overthinking leader may delay important decisions.
- An Imposter leader may struggle to exert authority because they don’t fully trust that others will listen to them.
- An Avoiding leader may postpone issues until they become impossible to ignore.
The challenge is that leaders have more influence so their patterns don’t just affect their own experience.
They role model what the team can – and can’t – do or say.
Whether they realise it or not, leaders give people permission.
- Permission to challenge.
- Permission to speak up.
- Permission to make mistakes.
- Permission to stay silent.
They set the tone for meetings, they influence what gets discussed and what gets avoided, they affect how decisions are made, they influence how safe people feel to contribute and over time, they help create the environment people experience as culture.
Which means organisations sometimes spend months trying to fix team behaviours that are actually responses to hidden patterns operating elsewhere in the system.
Breakthrough Insight
Most workplace problems aren’t caused by one difficult person, they’re often created when multiple hidden patterns interact with each other.
The behaviour causing frustration may not be where the problem started, it may simply be where the pattern became visible.
Most people can spot hidden patterns in other people:
- We can see the colleague who overthinks.
- We can see the manager who avoids difficult decisions.
- We can see the team member who constantly puts everyone else’s needs before their own.
What is much harder is recognising our own patterns. Harder still is recognising how our own patterns may be contributing to the very challenges we assume are being caused by everyone else.
That’s a difficult pill to swallow.
Most of us would rather believe the problem sits somewhere outside of us, which perhaps explains why hidden patterns can remain hidden for years.
And why they are often far easier to spot in other people than they are in ourselves.
That’s something I’ll explore in next week’s article.
What Hidden Pattern Might You Be Bringing Into The Room?
If this article has made you recognise some of these interactions, you might find my Hidden Patterns Quiz helpful.
It’s free to complete and can help you uncover some of the hidden patterns influencing how you think, react and behave at work, along with practical suggestions to help you understand them more deeply.
You Might Also Find These Helpful
- Why Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is
- Why Teams Keep Having The Same Problems
- Why People Pleasing Is Not About Being Nice
Jo’s Weekly Breakthrough
Each week, I share a Breakthrough Insight exploring the hidden patterns shaping how we think, react and behave at work. If you’d like future articles delivered straight to your inbox, you can sign up for Jo’s Weekly Breakthrough and join a growing community of people who are learning to understand the person within the professional.