The Drama Triangle at Work
Many teams struggle with the same issues over and over again, and it’s easy to assume that it’s due to workload, personality clashes or poor performance.
But in many teams, the real issue is something else entirely.
Some teams don’t just have problems, they have the same problems repeatedly.
- The same people feel overwhelmed.
- The same people help everyone.
- The same people get frustrated.
- Then the helpful people become overwhelmed.
- The overwhelmed people feel misunderstood.
- The frustrated people become even more frustrated.
- Everyone is busy.
- Everyone is slightly annoyed.
- And nothing really changes.
Over the last few weeks I’ve written about workplace conflict and Parent–Child communication. These might sound like different topics, but they are all really about the same thing: patterns.
- Patterns in how we react to people.
- Patterns in how we communicate.
- Patterns in how teams behave under pressure.
And what I’m going to talk about this week – the Drama Triangle – is one of the most common patterns I see in teams.
And I learnt about it the hard way. Through my own – slightly painful – experience.
How I Became a Rescuer
During the assessment for my NLP Practitioner course, we had to coach someone through a specific challenge they were facing. To do this, we each had to bring along a friend who wanted coaching through a mild problem. The trainer had been very clear: we were to bring someone with a mild problem.
One of my colleagues decided it would be a good idea to bring their long-suffering, alcoholic, suicidal and sex-addicted friend.
Guess who got to coach him?
You guessed right. Me.
I was absolutely petrified. I remember thinking, how on earth can I help this guy? I’m not equipped for this.
But after two hours of blood, sweat and tears (mine, not his), we had a breakthrough. At the beginning of the session, he felt he had little reason to live and could only see darkness ahead of him. By the end of the session, he could see a glimmer of light. That might not sound like much, but to him it was enormous. He was incredibly grateful and, as a result of that session, he finally had the incentive to seek the professional addiction help he needed.
For me, it was a huge moment. I realised the power of coaching and NLP and from that moment on, I was determined to help everyone.
And that’s when I became a Rescuer.
- I rescued colleagues.
- I rescued friends.
- I rescued my boyfriend (now husband).
- I rescued my sisters.
- I rescued anyone who looked like they needed help.
Whether they wanted rescuing or not. I heard a struggle and super-coach Jo came to the rescue, which sounds very noble.
It also led to burnout. And frustration that I was helping everyone but there was no one to help me.
Eventually I had a breakthrough of my own. I realised something quite important:
- It is not my job to rescue everyone.
- I can help people in a professional capacity if they ask for my help.
- But I am not responsible for fixing everyone’s life.
(And I also learnt that people don’t need fixing, but that’s a story for another time.)
That was a big shift for me. And it got me thinking about how this relates to what I see in teams and workplaces all the time.
Transactional Analysis and the Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle comes from a psychological approach called Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne, which explains Parent, Adult and Child communication. His book Games People Play is a fascinating introduction to how people interact and the psychological patterns that often play out in everyday conversations.
Later, Stephen Karpman developed the Drama Triangle model to explain the roles people fall into when communication patterns become unhealthy or stuck. His book A Game Free Life explores these ideas further.
(I have no affiliation with these books and don’t receive anything if you buy them – I just think they are interesting and useful if you want to explore this area.)
In simple terms:
- Parent / Child explains how we communicate
- Victim / Rescuer / Persecutor explains the roles we fall into when relationships become difficult
- Adult is how we step out of both patterns
This is why these models link so closely to communication, assertiveness and team dynamics.
The Three Roles in the Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle describes three roles people often rotate between in teams, workplaces, families and relationships:
- The Victim
- The Rescuer
- The Persecutor
These are not personality types. They are roles people move between, often without realising it.
The Victim
The Victim is not weak or incapable. The Victim is someone who feels:
- This isn’t fair
- No one helps me
- I’ve got too much to do
- No one listens to me
- I can’t do anything right
- I don’t have any control
Many Victims are actually hardworking, capable people who feel overwhelmed, unsupported or stuck.
The Rescuer
The Rescuer is the person who steps in to help, fix, solve and take over.
They often say:
- “Don’t worry, I’ll do it.”
- “Just send it to me, I’ll sort it.”
- “I’ll stay late and finish it.”
- “It’s easier if I just do it myself.”
Rescuers are usually kind, capable, responsible people.
They are also often exhausted.
The Persecutor
The Persecutor is the person who criticises, blames, controls or gets frustrated with other people.
They often say:
- “Why is this always wrong?”
- “I shouldn’t have to chase this.”
- “No one takes responsibility.”
- “This place would fall apart if I didn’t do everything.”
Persecutors rarely think they are persecutors.
They usually think they are the only sane person in the building.
People Rotate Roles
The most important thing about the Drama Triangle is this: People don’t stay in one role. They rotate.
- Someone feels overwhelmed → Victim
- Someone else steps in to help → Rescuer
- The rescuer becomes overloaded → Victim
- They get frustrated → Persecutor
- Someone else feels blamed → Victim
- Another person steps in to help → Rescuer
And round and round it goes.
This is why some teams feel constantly busy, constantly frustrated and constantly stuck, but nothing really changes. Because the roles stay the same even if the people swap chairs.
Many teams don’t have a workload problem, a communication problem or a performance problem.
They have a Victim, a Rescuer and a Persecutor who keep swapping chairs.
So What’s the Solution to the Drama Triangle?
You don’t fix the Drama Triangle by:
- Working harder
- Sending more emails
- Having more meetings
- Writing action plans
- Blaming the manager
- Blaming the team
- Hiring new people
You fix the triangle when people change the role they play.
- Victim → Responsibility
- Rescuer → Boundaries
- Persecutor → Challenge without blame
All of those responses are essentially Adult responses, which links back to Parent–Adult–Child communication and the assertiveness work that I teach in The Confidence Breakthrough.
When you look at it this way, assertiveness is not really about scripts or techniques. It’s about being able to stay in Adult when someone else is in Parent or Child – staying calm when someone is critical, speaking up instead of staying quiet, setting boundaries instead of saying yes when you mean no, and focusing on solving the problem rather than blaming the person.
Breakthrough Insight
Teams don’t usually get stuck because of difficult people, they get stuck because of patterns between people.
The Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor don’t exist independently, they create each other.
- The more someone rescues, the more someone else feels like a victim.
- The more someone feels like a victim, the more someone else becomes a rescuer.
- The more responsibility gets dropped, the more someone becomes a persecutor.
- The more someone criticises, the more someone feels like a victim.
People think they are reacting to each other, but they are usually reacting to the pattern they are all creating together. And the moment one person changes the role they play in that pattern, the pattern often has to change too.
The beginning of that journey is awareness – awareness of the roles we’re playing and why we’re playing them. Once we recognise that, we are in a position to change.
That’s why I’m so passionate about ‘professional growth that starts from within’. No amount of skills training will fix a team caught in the Drama Triangle if the underlying patterns don’t change.
Reflection
If this feels familiar, a useful question to ask yourself is this:
When things get stressful at work, which role do I tend to fall into: Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor?
Because once you can see the role you play in the pattern, you are in a position to change it.
You Might Also Find These Helpful
- Why Workplace Conflict Is Rarely as One-Sided as It Feels
- Why Grown-ups Don’t Always Act Like Adults at Work
If this article resonated with you and you recognise some of these patterns in your team or workplace, this is exactly the kind of work I do with individuals, leaders, managers and teams – helping people understand behaviour, communication and the patterns that shape workplace relationships.
If you’d like to find out more, you can explore my work here:
For individuals: The Confidence Breakthrough
For organisations and teams: The Breakthrough Framework™