Have you ever had a conversation at work that felt strangely familiar – like being told off by a parent, dealing with a sulky teenager, or trying to calm down an argument that had nothing to do with the actual problem?
One of the things I’ve learned after many years of working with teams is that being an adult at work and acting like an adult at work are not always the same thing.
Sometimes managers sound like parents.
Sometimes team members sound like teenagers.
And sometimes very intelligent, capable adults can find themselves in conversations that sound remarkably similar to arguments about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.
This starts to make more sense when you learn about a psychological model called Transactional Analysis (TA), which explains three communication styles: Parent, Adult and Child. I have recently become fascinated by TA and now I see it everywhere – and once you know about it, you’ll probably start seeing it everywhere too.
The reason this matters is because many workplace problems are not really about the work. They are about how people talk to each other when something is stressful, frustrating or important. Once you understand Parent, Adult and Child communication, a lot of difficult conversations at work suddenly start to make much more sense.
While I don’t profess to be an expert and I haven’t formally studied it, I have found that simply understanding these communication styles can dramatically improve workplace relationships, assertiveness, leadership and team communication.
A Conversation About Bins (That Is Not Really About Bins)
For example, this was a conversation I had with my husband recently (actually, if I’m honest, this conversation happens most weeks):
Me: “Did you remember to take the bins out?”
Matt: “I was just about to do it!”
(Under his breath, through gritted teeth: You don’t have to keep reminding me.)
Now that conversation could just as easily have taken place in an office:
Manager: “Did you send that email?”
Employee: “I was just about to do it!”
(Under his breath, through gritted teeth: You don’t have to keep chasing me.)
Different setting. Same conversation.
And that’s when things start to get interesting, because conversations like this are often not really about bins, emails, deadlines or whose turn it is to do something. They are about how the question is asked, how the reminder is heard, and how both people react to each other.
Before I came across Transactional Analysis and the idea of Parent, Adult and Child communication, I would have described this using the communication styles I often teach in my training: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive behaviour.
Looking at that conversation now, it becomes quite interesting.
My question about the bins probably came from Parent – reminding, checking, making sure something had been done.
Matt’s response wasn’t fully aggressive and it wasn’t fully passive either. He didn’t say directly, “Please stop reminding me, I find it frustrating.” Instead, he said he was just about to do it, and then muttered something under his breath.
That is a classic example of passive-aggressive behaviour – not saying directly what you feel, but expressing frustration indirectly through tone, sarcasm, delay or muttering under your breath.
And once you start to see this, you realise that a lot of workplace communication looks very similar.
- People don’t always say what they really think.
- They agree when they don’t agree.
- They say yes when they mean no.
- They complain to other people instead of addressing the issue directly.
- They become sarcastic, slow, forgetful or unhelpful instead of having a difficult conversation.
In my training, I often explain it like this:
|
Communication Style |
Transactional Analysis |
|
Aggressive |
Parent |
|
Passive |
Child |
|
Passive-Aggressive |
Child |
|
Assertive |
Adult |
Which means something quite important:
Assertiveness is not really about scripts or techniques or learning what to say. Assertiveness is about being able to stay in Adult when someone else is in Parent or Child.
And that is much harder than it sounds.
Communication Styles at Work: Parent, Adult and Child
Transactional Analysis suggests that when we communicate with people, we tend to operate from one of three positions:
- Parent
- Child
- Adult
This doesn’t mean actual parents or children, it refers to the state we are communicating from. Understanding Parent, Adult and Child communication is incredibly useful for understanding communication styles at work, leadership behaviour, team dynamics and assertiveness at work.
Parent Communication Style at Work
Parent communication is usually about correcting, controlling, helping, reminding or telling people what to do.
Parent behaviour tends to be:
- Critical
- Controlling
- Telling
- Judging
- Correcting
- Rescuing
- Fixing
- Reminding
- “Helping” without being asked
It often sounds like:
- “You should have done that already.”
- “I’ve told you this before.”
- “Just do it like this.”
- “Why haven’t you done that yet?”
- “Leave it, I’ll do it myself.”
Sometimes Parent is critical and controlling and sometimes Parent is rescuing and over-helpful. Both can create problems in workplace communication and team relationships.
Child Communication Style at Work
Child communication is usually about reacting emotionally, avoiding, people-pleasing or pushing back indirectly.
Child behaviour tends to be:
- Defensive
- Emotional
- Avoidant
- People-pleasing
- Blaming
- Withdrawing
- Sulking
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Complaining but not addressing the problem
It often sounds like:
- “It’s not my fault.”
- “No one told me.”
- “I’ve just got too much to do.”
- “Fine, I just won’t say anything then.”
- “Whatever.”
- “I’ll just do it myself then.”
Many workplace conflicts and difficult conversations at work are actually Parent talking to Child and Child reacting to Parent.
Adult Communication Style at Work
Adult communication is calm, clear, honest and focused on solving problems rather than blaming people.
Adult communication sounds like:
- “I need this by tomorrow. Is that realistic?”
- “I’m not happy with how that went. Can we talk about it?”
- “I don’t have capacity to take that on.”
- “What’s getting in the way?”
- “What do you need from me?”
- “Let’s work out a solution.”
Assertiveness at work is basically Adult communication.
- It is not aggressive.
- It is not passive.
- It is not passive-aggressive.
- It is calm, clear and respectful communication.
Why Workplace Conversations Go Wrong
Last week I wrote about Jane, the assistant I worked with years ago, and how convinced I was that she was the problem – until I was forced to confront the possibility that I might not have been as reasonable as I thought I was.
Looking back now, I can see that what was probably happening was not just a personality clash or performance issue, I think we were stuck in a Parent–Child pattern.
When I was under pressure and things weren’t moving fast enough for me, I became more directive, more impatient and more critical. At the time, I thought I was just maintaining standards and trying to get the job done.
But from her perspective, I may well have felt like a critical parent – pointing out mistakes, pushing for speed, correcting things and generally creating pressure.
So she may have moved into Child – becoming nervous, defensive, slower, less confident and possibly making more mistakes because she felt under pressure.
Which then made me more frustrated, so I became more Parent.
Which made her more Child.
Which made me more Parent.
And round and round we went.
At the time, I thought I was reacting to her behaviour. Now I can see we were probably creating each other’s behaviour.
This is what happens in many workplace relationships and team communication problems. People think they are reacting to difficult people, but often they are actually reacting to a pattern.
Breakthrough Insight
Most team problems are not caused by individuals, they are caused by patterns that people create together without realising it.
Final Thought
Many workplace communication problems are not really about the work, they are about the position people are communicating from.
- Parent talking to Child.
- Child reacting to Parent.
- Two Parents trying to control each other.
- Two Children arguing.
And once you start to see it like this, a lot of workplace conversations start to make much more sense.
So the next time you find yourself in a frustrating conversation at work, it can be useful to pause and ask yourself a simple question:
Am I speaking from Parent, Child or Adult right now?
Because the moment one person moves into Adult – calm, clear and honest – the conversation often starts to change.
Not always easy, but often much simpler.
The Confidence Breakthrough
In The Confidence Breakthrough (course and book), there are two chapters on passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive behaviour, and how confidence at work is often not about ability or intelligence, but about how we communicate when something is difficult, uncomfortable or important.
When you look at it through this lens, the two models link very closely:
- Aggressive behaviour often comes from Parent – controlling, critical, telling.
- Passive behaviour often comes from Child – avoiding, not speaking up, going along with things.
- Passive-aggressive behaviour often comes from Child too – not saying what you mean directly but expressing it indirectly through tone, delay, sarcasm or silence.
- Assertive behaviour is Adult – calm, clear, respectful and honest.
So assertiveness is not really about scripts, techniques or learning clever phrases to use in difficult conversations. Assertiveness is about being able to stay in Adult when someone else is in Parent or Child.
That might mean:
- Staying calm when someone is being critical.
- Saying what you think instead of staying quiet.
- Setting a boundary instead of saying yes when you mean no.
- Asking a question instead of making an accusation.
- Taking responsibility instead of blaming someone else.
And that is often the real confidence work.
- Not becoming louder.
- Not becoming more forceful.
- But becoming calmer, clearer and more honest.
Because when two Adults talk to each other, things usually become much simpler.
If this article resonated with you and you’d like to work on assertiveness at work, you can explore The Confidence Breakthrough here.
And if you’d like to read last week’s article, you can find it here:
If this article resonates and you recognise some of these communication patterns in your workplace or team, this is exactly the kind of work I do with individuals, managers and teams – helping people understand behaviour, communication and the patterns that shape workplace relationships.
If you’d like to find out more, feel free to get in touch:
Jo@joblakeleytraining.co.uk