No matter what you say in meetings, send in emails, or write in strategy decks – your behaviour teaches your team what’s really acceptable.
What You Model, You Magnify
Every team takes its cues from the people in charge.
- If you rush, they rush.
- If you micro-manage, they second-guess.
- If you show calm under pressure, they mirror that too.
We teach others how to treat us – and how to treat each other – through the smallest of signals: tone, timing, facial expression, even the silence between words.
Behaviour is leadership’s unspoken language. And most of us are far less fluent in it than we think.
The Inner World Behind the Outer One
Last week I shared The Success Cycle – the idea that thoughts drive feelings, feelings drive behaviours, and behaviours drive results, which in turn reinforce the original thoughts.
When leaders don’t understand that, they try to change behaviour without addressing what drives it, and end up managing symptoms instead of causes.
Let me give you an example.
The Leader Who Avoided Conflict
I once coached a senior leader who prided herself on being ‘the calm one.’
She kept meetings pleasant, avoided confrontation, and always found diplomatic ways to smooth tension.
On the surface, her team adored her. But privately, she was frustrated: deadlines were missed, accountability was slipping, and her team had grown hesitant to challenge one another.
When we explored what sat underneath, her core thought was: “If people disagree, things will fall apart.”
That single thought created anxiety around conflict, which led her to over-accommodate others, which then reinforced the belief that keeping the peace was the safest route.
Once she recognised the cycle, she began to shift it. She replaced the thought with: “Healthy challenge builds stronger teams.”
Her emotions shifted from fear to curiosity. Her behaviour changed: she started asking open, stretching questions instead of avoiding difficult ones. And her team’s results transformed.
Same systems. Same people. Different inner world. Completely different outcome.
The Cultural Ripple Effect
When leaders change their behaviour, they don’t just change their results – they change the emotional climate around them.
A single leader’s anxiety can fuel a culture of perfectionism or avoidance. A single leader’s self-awareness can create psychological safety. That’s why it’s not enough to tell people to be confident, resilient, or innovative. They have to see it modelled – in you.
Coaching Through Behaviour
Next time you’re in a one-to-one, try shifting your lens from what happened to what’s happening underneath.
Instead of asking: “Why did you do that?” Try: “What were you thinking or feeling in that moment?”
That’s how you move from surface correction to real development. Because once a person becomes aware of their thinking, they can change it, and when they do, everything else follows.
The Takeaway
You don’t lead through words alone. You lead through energy, example, and behaviour.
Your team doesn’t just watch what you do – they learn what’s safe to do by watching you.
So if you want to change results, don’t just change what people do. Help them understand what they think. That’s the foundation of The Success Cycle, and it’s one of the core principles behind The Confidence Breakthrough, where I help professionals rewire the inner patterns that shape performance from the inside out.
(Of course, there’s something even deeper that drives The Success Cycle… but I’ll save that for another time.)
👇 If you’re responsible for developing others and want to help your people achieve lasting results – from the inside out:
- Get in touch to explore how The Confidence Breakthrough (Online, Virtual or Face-to-Face) can support your organisation, or
- DM me for a complimentary copy of The Confidence Breakthrough