This weekend, my husband, son, and I went to Burgh Island for a little family getaway. The weather was great, the views were stunning, and the scones were everything I’d hoped for.
And yet, within two hours, we were driving each other quietly mad.
My husband wanted to just get walking before the tide came in. I needed to check three different routes and read the tide times twice. My son stopped every few steps to point out all possible hazards: “Mum, that rock looks slippery!” “That bird looked at me funny!” At one point, I nearly suggested we all walk in different directions and meet back at the car.
But here’s the thing: we weren’t trying to be difficult. We were just thinking differently.
And that’s what today’s post is about: how to lead a team of people who all think, process, and act in different ways.
Leadership Means Decoding, Not Controlling
It’s not that your team members are trying to be frustrating. It’s just that the way they process information might be completely different from how you do. Enter: Meta Programs: unconscious thought patterns from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) that shape how people engage with the world.
Understanding these patterns can help you shift from frustration to clarity, and from resistance to collaboration. Here are three common Meta Programs that show up in your team every day:
- Big Picture vs. Detail-Oriented
- Big Picture Thinkers love concepts and vision. They brainstorm freely but struggle with process.
- Detail-Oriented People want instructions, precision, and structure. Vision alone won’t cut it.
Leadership tip: Pair them up wisely. Match your visionary thinkers with those who can ground the ideas into action, but set clear expectations so neither feels overwhelmed.
- Toward vs. Away From Motivation
- Toward People are motivated by goals, achievements, and shiny futures.
- Away From People focus on avoiding mistakes and preventing problems.
Leadership tip: Frame your communication based on their motivation style. A “toward” person lights up with possibility. An “away from” person needs to know what could go wrong, and how to avoid it.
- Internal vs. External Reference Points
- Internal Reference People judge their performance based on their own standards.
- External Reference People look to others for feedback and validation.
Leadership tip: Don’t assume everyone is looking for praise, or will respond to it. Tailor your feedback to what they value. That way, your encouragement actually lands.
Your Leadership Superpower: Curiosity Over Judgment
Next time someone’s making you internally roll your eyes in a meeting, pause. Ask yourself: What lens are they looking through? What pattern might be driving their approach?
As Carl Jung put it, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
In fact, I think of that Burgh Island hike a bit differently now. I wasn’t being overcautious, I needed clarity. My son wasn’t catastrophizing, he was risk-aware. And I? My husband just wanted movement. We all had a point. And so do the people on your team.