Have you ever been at work and felt unheard?
You try to raise a concern, but get brushed off. You offer a calm suggestion, but someone bites your head off.
You’re trying to stay professional, while someone else seems to be unravelling over… nothing. It’s confusing, frustrating, and let’s be honest, emotionally exhausting. And sometimes, it’s not just work where this happens.
Case in point: our first BBQ of the year.
It should’ve been lovely. Instead, my husband got genuinely annoyed at me – for putting salad cream on the potatoes instead of mayonnaise. I know. Scandalous. Now, I’ve worked hard over the years to stay grounded in moments like this, so I didn’t snap back. I stayed calm, mirrored his intensity, and offered a gentle compromise. But the more balanced I tried to be, the more wound-up he got. Eventually, I pulled him aside and said,
“This isn’t really about the potato salad, is it?” And just like that, the real issue came tumbling out.
Why We Snap (Hint: It’s Not About the Potatoes)
It got me thinking about how often this plays out at work. Someone misses a deadline. A message comes across with a ‘tone.’ An issue that could’ve been solved in five minutes suddenly escalates. Why? Because when people don’t know how to handle discomfort, they usually default to one of two things:
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Passive behaviour – avoid, suppress, stay quiet, stew.
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Aggressive behaviour – react, blame, lash out, control.
You don’t have to be 13 (like my son) to master both. Adults are doing it all the time, especially under pressure.
At Work, It’s Rarely About That Thing
When someone overreacts, it’s rarely about what just happened. It’s about the five things that happened before, none of which were addressed. That’s why a tiny comment can cause a huge reaction. Because what’s actually being triggered is a build-up of unspoken frustration. The damage? It doesn’t just affect the moment. It chips away at trust, team dynamics, and psychological safety.
The Fix? Assertive Communication
Assertiveness sits right in the middle, between silence and snapping. It’s the skill of expressing your needs and views clearly and calmly, without disrespecting others in the process. It’s:
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Direct, but not forceful
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Respectful, but not self-silencing
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Confident, but not dominating
And it’s learnable. When people start communicating assertively, things shift. Frustration drops. Collaboration improves. And drama gets replaced with dialogue.
Why It Matters for Leaders
If you lead a team, you’ll feel the effects of poor communication, low morale, blame spirals, passive-aggressive behaviours. That’s why assertiveness training isn’t a “nice to have.” It’s a practical, powerful tool to help your people:
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Handle pressure better
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Express themselves more clearly
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Build a culture of openness, not reactivity
Because let’s be honest: you don’t want a team that’s one potato salad away from snapping.
Final Thought
Assertiveness isn’t about “winning.” It’s about showing up with calm clarity, even when things feel tense. It’s what keeps teams grounded, respectful, and productive, even when mayonnaise-gate strikes. If this sounds like a skill your team could benefit from, I run practical workshops that help people build these habits from the inside out. Feel free to drop me a message if you’d like to chat.