Have you ever noticed how the things we worry about most at work sometimes seem to happen anyway?
Not because of bad luck, and not because we somehow ‘manifest’ them into existence, but because the way we behave when we are afraid quietly shapes how other people respond to us.
Early in my self-employed career, a random introduction led to me designing a series of workshops for DCPs – dental care professionals.
As someone who had been to the dentist all my life, I remember thinking: How hard can it be?
So I set about translating some of my most relevant material into workshops for practice managers, dentists and consultants.
What I hadn’t quite factored in was this: many of the dentists and consultants attending were experienced clinicians – often 50-plus years old, with qualifications and PhDs coming out of their ears.
And suddenly I found myself standing at the front of the room thinking: What on earth am I doing here?
The more intimidated I felt, the more nervous I became. So – in that moment – I resorted to an old tactic and put on a confident front. In a flash, ‘Super-Confident Jo’ appeared.
Which, it turns out, was a little too convincing and backfired spectacularly. One piece of feedback from that course said: “I found Jo extremely intimidating.”
Which, as you can imagine, is not exactly the feedback you want:
a) when you’re teaching a course on confidence
b) when you’re hoping they might invite you back
c) and when your reputation spreading across deaneries would be quite helpful.
Looking back now, the irony is obvious.
I was trying so hard not to appear intimidated by them that I overcompensated – and instead, I was the one who came across as intimidating.
Breakthrough Insight
Fear doesn’t just sit quietly inside us; it shapes how we behave. And sometimes the behaviours we adopt to protect ourselves from what we fear can quietly create the very outcome we were trying to avoid.
In my case, I was afraid they would see how intimidated I felt so I tried to project extra confidence. But that behaviour created a completely different perception.
Instead of seeing someone quietly competent, some participants saw someone who appeared intimidating.
Why this pattern is so powerful
Part of the reason this pattern is so difficult to spot is that fear rarely announces itself clearly. It doesn’t usually show up as a dramatic voice saying, “I am afraid.” Instead, it quietly shapes our behaviour in small ways that feel perfectly reasonable in the moment.
- When we feel uncertain, we may speak less.
- When we fear conflict, we soften our message or avoid the conversation altogether.
- When we worry about rejection, we hold back from sharing an idea.
At the time, each of these choices feels like sensible self-protection, but something interesting happens when those behaviours repeat over time. Other people begin to interpret what they see.
- Someone who rarely contributes may be perceived as disengaged.
- Someone who constantly double-checks their work may appear lacking in confidence.
- Someone who hesitates before sharing ideas may be overlooked for opportunities.
And once that perception forms, people naturally start responding to us in ways that reinforce it. This is where the cycle quietly closes. Their response then becomes evidence for the very fear we started with.
- If we feared looking inexperienced, we may interpret their behaviour as confirmation that they see us that way.
- If we feared rejection, we may see hesitation from others as proof that our idea wasn’t good enough.
Not because that outcome was inevitable, but because the behaviours we adopted to protect ourselves helped shape how others responded.
Psychologists often describe this as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But in everyday life, it simply feels like this: The thing I was afraid of happened anyway.
Breaking the cycle
The good news is that once I realised what I was doing, I was able to adjust. ‘Super-Confident Jo’ was finally put to rest. Instead of trying to perform confidence, I relaxed into simply being myself.
When I stepped back and thought about it logically, the situation looked very different. I had already delivered similar programmes to CEOs of professional service organisations and to directors in Saudi Arabia – a culture very different from my own. So why did a room full of dentists feel so intimidating?
The answer, when I looked at it honestly, was simple. I had assumed their knowledge, experience and qualifications meant they wouldn’t be interested in what a 36-year-old had to say.
But the truth was that while they were experts in dentistry, I was an expert in confidence — and if I’m being honest, some of them desperately needed help with it. Once I recognised that, everything changed.
Over time my reputation for delivering high-quality non-technical skills courses spread across deaneries around the country – from Devon to Kent, London to Sussex and Berkshire to Sheffield and Durham.
And the feedback looked rather different.
“Jo was absolutely amazing and highly professional in her approach to dealing with our complexes and helping us overcome our inhibitions and limitations, not only to become a confident dentist but also a better individual.”
“Thank you very much indeed for this important and helpful course for both general practitioners and their teams.”
“Jo was possibly the best presenter of any course I have attended to date.”
I was even invited to speak at a DCP conference in front of around 500 delegates. Not because I was pretending to be confident, but because I had stopped allowing myself to feel intimidated by them.
How this shows up at work
This pattern appears in workplaces far more often than many people realise.
- Someone worries they’ll be judged, so they over-explain their ideas.
- Someone fears making a mistake, so they delay decisions longer than necessary.
- Someone worries they’ll be criticised, so they constantly seek reassurance before acting.
Each of these behaviours feels like sensible self-protection in the moment, but over time they can quietly shape how others see us, how they respond to us, and ultimately how confident we feel.
The irony is that confidence rarely grows when fear disappears. More often, it grows when we notice how fear is shaping our thoughts, feelings and behaviour and choose – gently – to think, feel and act a little differently.
Sometimes the breakthrough doesn’t come from eliminating fear, but from noticing how it is quietly shaping the way we show up.
You might also find these helpful
If this idea resonated with you, you might also enjoy these articles:
- The Silent Way Comparison Kills Your Confidence at Work
- New Year Goals or Old Insecurities? How to Set Goals That Actually Support You Confidence at Work
- Why Your Feelings Aren’t Your Enemy – They’re Data
Each explores the hidden patterns shaping how people think, react and behave at work.
A gentle invitation
Understanding the hidden patterns shaping how we think, react and behave at work is often the first step in changing them.
That’s the idea behind The Confidence Breakthrough – helping people recognise the patterns influencing their behaviour so confidence becomes something they experience more consistently, not just on good days.
If you’d like to explore these ideas further, you can learn more here:
For Organisations → Explore The Confidence Breakthrough
For Individuals → Explore The Confidence Breakthrough