Reassurance-seeking is rarely labelled as a confidence issue at work. More often, it’s interpreted as diligence, collaboration, or care. But when confidence depends on external validation, it quietly shapes behaviour in ways leaders don’t always see – and often misinterpret.
I was reminded of this recently while delivering a course on resilience and wellbeing. One manager said, almost in passing, “I’d always assumed that because I don’t need reassurance, no one else does.”
It wasn’t said with arrogance. It was said with genuine surprise. And it perfectly captured something I see again and again when working with leaders.
Because if you’ve progressed into leadership, there’s a good chance you don’t rely heavily on reassurance. You likely gauge how well you’re doing against your own internal standards. You reflect, adjust, and move on. External validation might be welcome, but it isn’t essential for you to act.
So it’s easy – very easy – to assume that confidence works the same way for everyone else.
But it doesn’t.
The invisible confidence gap leaders don’t see
Many high-performing leaders are internally regulated. Their confidence is largely self-referenced. They trust their judgement, tolerate uncertainty, and don’t need frequent confirmation to keep moving.
That internal regulation is often the exact reason why they’ve progressed to the position they have.
The problem arises when that same expectation is unconsciously placed on teams, because for many employees – including capable, intelligent, high-potential ones – confidence hasn’t yet become internal. It’s still externally regulated.
What this means is that they don’t feel okay until someone else confirms they’re okay. And while this difference is subtle, it’s also profound.
When reassurance quietly replaces confidence
In most organisations, reassurance-seeking doesn’t look like insecurity; it looks like diligence.
People sense-check decisions. For example, they ask “just to be sure”, or they hesitate before acting without explicit confirmation, or they read meaning into silence, or they wait for feedback before trusting their own judgement.
From a distance, this can look like collaboration or caution. But psychologically speaking, something else is often happening.
When someone needs reassurance in order to feel safe enough to act, confidence has quietly shifted from something they carry to something they borrow.
And borrowed confidence never lasts.
Why capable people seek reassurance
Reassurance-seeking rarely comes from a lack of ability. It tends to emerge in environments where:
- expectations are implicit rather than explicit
- feedback is inconsistent, delayed, or ambiguous
- mistakes feel socially or reputationally costly
- performance is visible but learning is not
In these conditions, the nervous system adapts. It learns that safety comes from confirmation, not from judgement; that relief follows reassurance; and that acting alone carries risk.
Over time, a simple internal rule forms:
“I’ll feel okay once someone else confirms I’m okay.”
This isn’t a mindset problem. It’s a learned safety strategy.
The reassurance loop (and why it exhausts leaders)
This matters – a lot – organisationally. When confidence is externally regulated, leaders become emotional reference points, not just strategic ones. Decisions bottleneck, autonomy shrinks, and reassurance requests increase.
This often results in leaders feeling drained, frustrated, or overloaded, without being able to name why.
On the receiving end, team members can feel increasingly dependent, hesitant, or unsure of themselves – even as their competence grows.
The loop reinforces itself:
- reassurance provides short-term relief
- relief strengthens the behaviour
- confidence never fully consolidates
And everyone ends up working harder than they need to.
Why more reassurance isn’t the solution
The instinctive leadership response is often to provide more reassurance — more checking in, more validation, more confirmation. But reassurance doesn’t build confidence; it temporarily replaces it.
The goal isn’t to remove support, but to shift where safety comes from.
Ultimately, confidence grows when people experience:
- clarity without constant checking
- permission to decide, not just permission to ask
- learning without judgement
- autonomy without abandonment
This is not about being hands-off. It’s about being intentional.
What leaders can do differently
Leaders don’t need to become therapists or withhold reassurance. Instead, they need to change how they use reassurance.
- Instead of answering the question, reflect it back.
- Instead of rewarding your team for certainty, reward thoughtful decision-making.
- Instead of framing feedback as evaluation, frame it as learning.
- Instead of waiting for your team to ask what “good enough” looks like, tell them.
If you can start normalising thinking out loud, modelling uncertainty without anxiety, and making learning visible, confidence has space to internalise. That’s when reassurance-seeking naturally softens.
A more useful leadership question
When someone frequently seeks reassurance, the most helpful question isn’t:
“Why don’t they feel confident?”
It’s:
“What has taught them that confidence must be externally approved?”
Because reassurance-seeking isn’t the problem.
It’s the signal.
Why this matters now
In fast-moving, ambiguous environments, organisations don’t need people who wait to be told they’re okay. They need people who can tolerate uncertainty, trust their judgement, and learn in motion.
That kind of confidence isn’t built through pressure or reassurance alone. It’s built through psychological safety, clarity, and leadership that understands how confidence actually develops.
A practical next step
If you’re noticing reassurance-seeking patterns in capable people – and feeling the weight of being the constant point of confirmation – this isn’t about motivation or resilience training.
It’s about understanding where confidence is being sourced, and how to help it move internally.
👉 If this pattern feels familiar, explore how I work with leaders and teams to build confidence without creating dependency.