Early on in my career, I worked in recruitment, where sales was a big part of what I was expected to do. On my first day, I was given the Yellow Pages – yes, the actual physical book full of phone numbers. That’s how long ago this was. My job was simple in theory: pick a company at random and cold call them to ask whether they might be interested in using us for temporary staff.
I dreaded it.
So I would procrastinate by finding any reason to avoid it. At the time I smoked, so cigarette breaks became very frequent, and I became an excellent tea maker for the entire office. When I couldn’t avoid it any longer, I would agonise over the perfect company to call, dial the number, then hang up before it even rang… then psyche myself up again (or make another cup of tea, followed by a fag break) before trying again.
When I finally did make the call, I remember being so breathless with nerves that the person on the other end of the line probably thought I was a heavy-breathing prank caller. Unsurprisingly, I often had people hang up on me before I even managed a “Hello”.
It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it was soul-destroying.
Which, unsurprisingly, made me procrastinate even more before the next call. Unfortunately, you can probably guess that cold, hard sales was not something that came naturally to me.
Fortunately, what did come naturally was building relationships. Once I had a client, I was very good at looking after them and growing the business we did together. In fact, over time I became so successful at developing the warm clients I already had that I was able to avoid the part of the job I hated most.
But that isn’t really the point of this story.
The point is that I had learned to avoid something I feared and, at the time, it felt like a perfectly sensible strategy. What I didn’t realise then was that avoidance, while it often brings relief in the moment, quietly shapes how confident we feel over time.
Why avoidance feels so tempting
Avoidance rarely looks dramatic when we are inside it. It doesn’t feel like cowardice or weakness, it feels reasonable. You tell yourself that now isn’t quite the right moment, that you need a little more preparation, or that perhaps someone else is better placed to raise the point or ask the question (or do the cold calling).
- Sometimes avoidance looks like procrastination.
- Sometimes it looks like perfectionism.
- Sometimes it simply looks like staying quiet.
In the moment, it brings relief because the uncomfortable feeling passes and the risk disappears.
But something else happens too.
Every time you step away from discomfort, your brain quietly learns a lesson. This happens because avoidance brings immediate relief. The uncomfortable feeling disappears, and the brain interprets that relief as evidence that avoiding the situation was the right decision. Over time, this quietly trains us to step away from the very moments that would actually help confidence grow.
And the next time a similar situation appears, your instinct is to step back again – not because you are incapable, but because your nervous system has learned that avoidance keeps you safe.
The hidden pattern behind shrinking confidence
This is where many capable professionals become confused. As their career progresses they gain more experience, more knowledge and more responsibility. And yet confidence does not always grow in the way they expected it to. Sometimes it even seems to shrink.
This happens because confidence is not built through comfort, it’s built through evidence. Your brain develops confidence when it gathers proof that you can handle uncertainty, disagreement, mistakes and pressure – and still be okay.
When we avoid those moments, we unknowingly prevent that evidence from forming and the situations that would have strengthened confidence quietly become the situations we sidestep.
Breakthrough Insight
Confidence doesn’t grow when work feels comfortable, it grows when your brain learns that discomfort is survivable. While avoidance offers short-term relief, it quietly teaches your brain the opposite lesson: that discomfort is something you cannot cope with. Over time, this creates a subtle but powerful pattern.
The very situations that would build confidence are the ones we instinctively avoid.
The many faces of avoidance at work
Avoidance rarely announces itself clearly, instead it shows up in small, socially acceptable behaviours. You might recognise it in moments such as:
- Staying silent in meetings even when you have something useful to contribute
- Delaying a difficult conversation with a colleague or manager
- Over-preparing because you are worried about getting something wrong
- Avoiding opportunities unless you feel completely ready
- Saying yes to requests even when your capacity is already stretched
None of these behaviours make someone weak or unprofessional. In fact, they often come from positive qualities – conscientiousness, empathy and a desire to do things well. But when avoidance becomes a habit, it slowly reinforces a programme that stepping forward is risky and that safety lies in staying smaller than you actually are.
How confidence actually grows
Looking back now, those cold calls in recruitment taught me something important, not about sales, but about confidence.
My confidence didn’t grow when the job became comfortable, it grew in the moments when I realised I could survive the uncomfortable parts.
- Speaking up.
- Making the call.
- Asking the question.
Each of those moments sent my brain a different message: I can handle this.
And that is how confidence is built. Not through the absence of discomfort, but through repeated experiences of facing it.
If you recognise yourself in this
If you recognise this pattern in yourself, you are far from alone. Many thoughtful, capable professionals develop avoidance habits precisely because they care deeply about doing things well. They want to avoid mistakes, maintain good relationships and protect their credibility.
Ironically, those same intentions can lead them to hold back in ways that quietly undermine their confidence. The good news is that this pattern can change, because confidence rarely requires a dramatic transformation.
More often, it grows through small moments where we choose to step slightly closer to discomfort rather than away from it.
A gentle invitation
Understanding the hidden patterns shaping how you think, react and behave at work is often the first step in changing them.
That is the idea behind The Confidence Breakthrough – helping people recognise the thinking patterns that influence their behaviour so confidence becomes something they experience consistently, rather than something that appears only on good days.
If you’d like to explore these ideas further, you can learn more about the programme, book and cards here:
For organisations: Explore The Confidence Breakthrough →
For individuals: Explore The Confidence Breakthrough →
If this topic resonated with you, you may also find these articles useful:
- Imposter Syndrome at Work: Why You Feel Like a Fraud
- What Procrastination is Really Hiding
- Control at Work: When Anxiety Wears a Smart Outfit
Each explores another hidden pattern shaping how people think, react and behave at work.