“You’re not listening to me!”
That’s what my 13-year-old son muttered under his breath yesterday. And the truth is… he was right. Despite over 20 years of coaching others and teaching others how to coach, where listening is a core skill, in that moment – I wasn’t listening. I had my own agenda: to fix his problem. That moment hit me hard. It got me thinking: how often do leaders do the same thing?
The Common Trap: Hearing Isn’t Listening
We’ve all been there. You’re talking to someone – sharing something important – and suddenly, they ask a completely unrelated question. Or worse, they give you advice you didn’t ask for. You’re left feeling frustrated and unheard. As leaders, we like to think we’re good listeners. But the truth? Most of us aren’t. Because real listening is a skill and a hard one to master (especially when we know the other person really well, or can relate to their problem).
The Real Problem: Listening vs. Responding
Imagine this: You’re a manager, and one of your team members, Sam, comes to you after a tense client interaction.
“My client keeps raising complaints – about my attitude, quality, timekeeping. I tried calling him to smooth things over, but he hung up. He’s coming in later today. I’m upset and honestly starting to doubt myself.”
How would you respond?
- “Why not use today’s meeting to address his concerns?”
- “Are you sure your attitude or timekeeping isn’t part of the problem?”
- “Are you saying I haven’t supported you enough?”
- “Oh, I had a client just like that – let me tell you what I did.”
Sound familiar? These reactions come from a natural place – wanting to help, to fix, to empathise. But they all have one thing in common:
👉 They’re not really listening. They’re reacting from their world, not to Sam’s.
Why We Listen Through Our Own ‘Map’
In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), we talk about how everyone has a unique ‘map’ of the world – shaped by their experiences, beliefs, and values. When someone shares a story or concern, they’re speaking from their map. But when we listen, we often filter what we hear through our own map.
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey
Exactly.
Common Listening Pitfalls (Through Your Own Map)
Let’s break down some typical (but unhelpful) leadership responses:
🧠 The Solutionizer:
“Just use today’s meeting to address it.”
You’re jumping to fix without understanding the emotional context. She doesn’t feel heard.
🔍 The Critic:
“Are you sure you’re not contributing to the issue?”
Even if valid, this lands as judgement – not support.
🛡️ The Defensive One:
“Are you saying I haven’t been supportive?”
You make it about yourself, shifting focus away from her experience.
📢 The Story-Hijacker:
“That reminds me of a client I had…”
You mean to connect—but you end up focussing on yourself.
What Real Listening Looks Like
Effective listening means temporarily suspending your own map.
It means:
- Slowing down
- Silencing your inner voice
- Listening with full attention
- Getting curious about their experience – not assuming you understand it
This isn’t passive. It’s active, emotionally intelligent, and deliberate. And yes – it’s hard.
Why It Matters (More Than You Think)
When your people feel truly heard, they feel valued. That alone can increase trust, engagement, and performance. Real listening can:
- De-escalate conflict
- Surface hidden issues early
- Build a deeper team culture
- Strengthen your leadership presence
Try This This Week:
When someone brings you a challenge, pause. Ask yourself: Am I listening to understand? Or listening to respond? Try reflecting back what you heard. Ask clarifying questions. Validate their emotions before jumping in with advice or solutions. And if you notice you aren’t being listened to, gently name it. Listening is a culture – it starts at the top.
Final Thought: Listen to Lead
True listening isn’t a ‘soft skill.’ It’s a core leadership capability—one that drives trust, performance, and resilience. And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and mastered.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you want to sharpen your communication skills and become the kind of leader people trust and open up to, explore my upcoming programmes:
- The Communication Breakthrough and
- Coaching Mastery for Everyday Conversations.