Have you ever asked someone for feedback, only to instantly regret it after they’ve given it to you? Not only do you second-guess your entire career, but you consider changing your name and starting over as a porter in Portugal? If so, you’ve just experienced a classic case of feedback freakout.
Asking for feedback seems like the grown-up thing to do (and many workplaces encourage it), but receiving it? That’s a whole different game because your brain loves to interpret it as a personal threat. Why? Because your brain evolved to scan for danger, and to your brain: Essentially, any kind of criticism is interpreted as rejection, which means possible exile from the tribe, and that means certain death.
Even the mildest pieces of ‘constructive’ feedback can trigger that primal panic. Suddenly, “Perhaps you could reword that sentence” sounds like “You are fundamentally broken as a human being, and should quit your job now.”
So what’s the Fix? The answer isn’t to avoid feedback, it’s to think about it differently. You can do this by:
- Asking for specific feedback: “What’s one thing I could improve in this presentation?”
- Writing it down before reacting because it interrupts the emotional spiral
- Separating who you are (your identity) from what you did (your behaviour)
- Using it as data, not judgement: “Interesting! What can I try next time?”
- Following up: “Thanks, that really helped, I tried your suggestion!”
Key Takeaway
Remember that it’s normal for feedback to feel threatening, but learning to hear it calmly is one of the most powerful workplace superpowers you can develop. You don’t have to love it, but you just have to get curious before defensive.