Last week, I was at a dinner party when one of the guests—a friend of a friend—started sharing a story about their recent promotion. They spoke with such ease and self-assurance, casually throwing in details about their new responsibilities and the exciting challenges ahead. Everyone at the table seemed impressed. Myself included.
But later, as we were leaving, I overheard them admitting to someone else that they felt completely out of their depth in the new role. “I’m just winging it and hoping nobody notices,” they said with a nervous laugh.
It was such a revealing moment, and it got me thinking: how often do we put on a confident front for others, all the while battling feelings of doubt beneath the surface? And how do we bridge the gap between appearing confident and truly feeling it?
Let’s dissect the mind games, the myths, and the fixes for real, lasting confidence.
The Power Pose: Confidence Trick or TikTok Trend?
Remember the hype around Amy Cuddy’s power pose? Stand like Wonder Woman for two minutes, and boom—you’ll channel Beyoncé levels of charisma. Back then, the science said it worked: boosted testosterone (the ‘go-get-‘em’ hormone) and lowered cortisol (the ‘yikes, I’m doomed’ hormone).
Fast-forward to today, and though power posing still has fans, critics say it’s more placebo than breakthrough. Sure, striking a superhero stance before a job interview might help calm the nerves temporarily, but once you sit down, you’re still at the mercy of deeper insecurities.
These days, confidence tips have evolved. Instead of just power posing, experts recommend combining physicality with affirmations or mindfulness techniques. Imagine power posing while also reciting positive affirmations. ‘I am worthy’ can feel surprisingly better than ‘When’s lunch?’
Inner vs. Outer Confidence: What’s the Real Difference?
Here’s the golden truth about confidence:
✔️ Outer confidence is the act. Adjusting your posture, voice, or words to create a confident facade. Handy for interviews, public speaking, or trying to impress your crush.
✔️ Inner confidence is the fuel. It’s unshakeable security in who you are, so you don’t need to ‘perform’ confidence—it simply shines through.
So, while outer confidence can help you look the part, inner confidence ensures you own the part. And that starts with self-esteem.
Why Self-Esteem is the Real Game Changer
Self-esteem is basically your inner self-worth meter—the extent to which you like, accept, and believe in yourself (warts and all).
It’s not based on:
❌ What other people think of you (because relying on approval is a confidence time-bomb).
❌ Job titles, achievements, or success (plenty of ‘high-achievers’ feel like frauds).
❌ Money, status, or bling (if buying a Tesla made people happy, Elon Musk would be a Zen master).
❌ Looks, weight, or age (otherwise, the entire beauty industry wouldn’t exist).
When ‘Having It All’ Still Isn’t Enough
If you needed proof that outer confidence isn’t enough, just look at the new-age celebrity culture as a prime example. TikTok stars, reality TV contestants, and viral influencers rake in millions. Yet behind the filters, many grapple with low self-esteem. For instance, high-profile influencers like Charli D’Amelio have openly discussed struggles with anxiety despite massive followings.
Even Hollywood is rife with stories of successful stars feeling inadequate—like actor Jonah Hill, who recently directed a documentary (Stutz) delving into his own mental health journey. Fame, fortune, and Instagram likes cannot patch up fragile inner confidence.
Why is this so common? Because many of them chased external validation—social media fame, attention, followers. And for a while, they had it.
But here’s the problem: when the buzz fades, and they’re left alone with their real thoughts, their low self-esteem is still there—louder than ever.
It’s the same reason why ultra-successful people sometimes feel empty despite having ‘made it.’ If you don’t believe you’re worthy on the inside, no amount of external success will fill that gap.
How to Build Real Confidence (Without Power Posing in the Office)
The good news? Self-esteem isn’t fixed. Some psychologists say you can shift your confidence levels in as little as two weeks.
Here’s how:
- Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Every time you measure yourself against someone else’s achievements, you’re playing a game you can’t win.
Take Madonna. (Sorry, Madge.) She doesn’t have the world’s best singing voice. But did she let that stop her from becoming the best-selling female recording artist of all time? Nope.
She focused on what made her unique—and owned it.
- Be Realistic About Your Progress
A junior manager comparing themselves to a 20-year CEO is like someone who just started running comparing themselves to Mo Farah.
Set goals that make sense for your journey. Growth isn’t about catching up—it’s about moving forward.
- Celebrate Wins & Accept Your Flaws
Confidence isn’t about pretending to be perfect. It’s about owning your strengths and acknowledging your weaknesses.
Self-esteem comes from knowing you’re enough—even if you’re not the best at everything.
Final Thought: Confidence is an Inside Job
No amount of likes, promotions, or expensive suits will make you truly confident. Real confidence comes from within—and it’s something you build, not something you buy.
So, what are you waiting for?
If you want to go deeper into self-esteem and confidence-building, check out my book Blokes, Beers & Burritos—a mix of self-help, travel, and humour that shows how real change starts inside.
📩 Let’s talk: jo@joblakeleytraining.co.uk
Because when you build real confidence, you don’t have to fake it. 🚀
Acknowledgment: This blog post was written by me: Jo Blakeley. While I used AI assistance (Co-Pilot) for refining grammar and presentation, all ideas, insights, and content are my own.